What i think

Its 2.30am, I’m extremely tired, didn’t get any decent sleep since 14 due to several different reasons. Currently unable to sleep despite my tiredness. Thoughts, images, words, feelings, guilt, sadness haunting me, it just gets clearer when I try to sleep.

I’m breaking down. You may say, what right do I have to say this since I’m the cause of all this and not the victim. Feelings are forever the hardest to control and understand. I now wish I never had one. I couldn’t control my tears, it would come up at the slightest stimuli and again, what right do I have to cry.

I’ve come up to a conclusion which I think and feel is the best.

Call me irresponsible, bad, evil, bastard, anything you can think of. Its true. You and you don’t deserve this kind of treatment, you and you deserve better. You and you should never had known me. I didn’t mean to cause you and you all this.

Can someone just stab me and be done with it. Feelings should never have been given to me as I always end up hurting someone.

I wanna explain and express what I think in the following:

The trip to Vietnam really did bring about many 1st times for me and let me experienced what I couldn’t feel before which makes me realised what I really want.

I really am very thankful to my hosts during the trip and my meaning of hosts is everyone that I met, knew and spent time with.

This is a very different trip, its not about sightseeing, its more to hospitality of my hosts, warmth, feelings and seeing what I lack and wanted.

The most important part and memorable part is that I felt the warmth of family during this trip. As some of you know, I’m not good at communicating with my family and sad to say, sometimes are not on good terms with my family. Its not that we don’t love each other, we love each other, its just that we are all poor at communicating, its very sad. The warmth and feel of family with my hosts is something I’ve always wanted in my own family, they treated us like their own and I might even say better than their own. I’m envious. Everyone I met showed me their sincerity and care which really touched my heart.

I wish I could have the same thing, I’m trying to change my attitude and ways of seeing things and try to mend my relationship with my family. I want that kind of family. I know its not gonna be easy. I’ve been away for more than a week and when I reached KCH, haven’t even sat in the car for one minute and my dad and I started arguing, its sad, I didn’t want this to happen. I’ll try my best to mend it.

I didn’t realised it until Kelvin told me that he saw the real me during the trip. How many of you had saw the real me before? Its not always that I get a chance like this.

All this really did melt my heart and provide comfort to me and taught me what I need to do. That’s why the trip meant a lot to me. 9 days has showed and taught me a lot. Its just that, I never expected things to turn out this way.

When I was in KL last night, I was so reluctant to come back here knowing the troubles that I’ve caused, I feel like going to some place where no one would know and find me, just plain irresponsible.

Hearts that are broken are hard to mend.

Bonds that are broken are also hard to mend.

Friends that I’ve lost, I dunno what more to say.

I’m deeply, sincerely sorry. I know its useless saying sorry. I don’t know what else to say.

I am sorry for the disappointments.

I am sorry for the irresponsibility.

I am sorry for the pains I caused.

I am sorry, its all my fault.